Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you.

The snow on fog meant that the world was wedding-cake white. It was the kind of day that is just begging to be watched silently and left undisturbed. Ideally, I wanted to be a recluse today. Stay in with coffee and DVDs. Cacoon myself in blankets and observe the day through my living room window. But school was open, so instead I got a snowball in my eye and felt uncomfortable walking home on the icy paths. I get self concious when I walk by myself, but far more so when I can barely walk straight.

I really wish I wasn't so self aware. It would be so much easier to let myself commit senseless acts of kindness and beauty. Right now, I do small things that go unnoticed and hope that they will make someone feel better. An uplifting postit, some hopeful graffiti. And I would feel great to know that these little deeds have affected anyone in a positive way. I just want to be more reckless eventually. It's so easy to try to make others feel better without even reaching out. To just relate to them from afar. I want to be able to open up to most people. I guess another resolution for 2010 is to be the kind of person who can have an easy, heartwarming conversation with a stranger, and be able to tell them directly, "I hope that life your life is as beautiful as you dream it. You deserve to be happy." That would be better.
It is very, very hard to do this with social anxiety, because you feel that everyone is judging your every word and action, inwardly criticising you, so you leave them with nothing to judge and act like a shell of a person. I would really love to shed this shyness.

Here's some encouraging banners for anyone feeling in need of them.